Tuesday, April 1, 2014

No More JumboCash for Class of 2018

In a rare and unprecedented change to university tradition, Tufts University will be altering the JumboCash system stating next fall. Instead of using the JumboCash name, Tufts will be transitioning, selling the credit under a new brand: Peanuts. The change should go relatively unnoticed for the incoming class of 2018, according to Dean of Admissions Lee Coffin. "The freshmen will grow up on Peanuts," said Coffin, "and we think once other students see that it's butter [sic], acceptance will spread."

Dean Coffin explains thoughts behind the transition

Asked to comment on why the change was made, Coffin explained. "In a nutshell, when we sat down and really thought about the exorbitant amount of money students pay to attend the university, we realized the money spent on laundry machines and ice cream bars was, in comparison, well... Peanuts."

As expected, the Tufts Association Against Allergies and Allergen Appropriation (pronounced: AAAAA) was up in arms outside the Mayer Campus Center. Activists held signs reading "Are You Nuts?" and "Put Your Nuts Back Where They Belong!" Student protesters variously blamed the patriarchy, the pachydermy, and postmodernism for pressuring the change in university policy. "I think that the de facto socioeconomic plight of peanut farmers qua peanut farmers, situated along historically complex cultural fault lines, vis-a-vis the international community, needs to be addressed in less of an extemporaneous ad hoc basis!" shouted one breathless activist upon spotting a fellow student walking out of Jumbo Express with a can of Planters. Daily reporters and English professors are working tirelessly to find actual and symbolic meaning in the inspired outburst.

Despite concerns about introducing allergens into such frequently-used locations as the residence hall laundry machines, vending machines, and on-campus eatieries, the Office of Residential Life and Learning and Tufts Dining Services seem to be embracing the new university decision. "I like Peanuts," said ORLL director Yolanda King, "I think this is a good thing. And if this means that juniors with peanut allergies need to live off-campus, or really if any juniors want to live off-campus, rather than living on campus, whether or not they like peanuts, I walnut [sic] dissuade them." Jeff from Dewick commented on the change via a posted note after his one-year hiatus. "The timing of this announcement is really perfect for other changes coming to Tufts Dining, including the release of the name for the new Kosher Deli," Jeff said. "I can't release the name at this point, of course, but I can tell you we turned down a lot of good submissions - 'Have it Yahweh' was a favorite of mine - in order to really bring the best quality to the students."

The yet unnamed Kosher Deli will begin accepting Peanuts™ this fall

President Monaco is expected to announce that the destruction of the long-standing JumboCash tradition will be compensated with the reinstatement of either the Tufts Ostrich, Naked Quad Run (NQR), or Fall Ball. Unfortunately, his Twitter feed has been relatively quiet of late, leading Tufts Ghost to Tweet, "@MonacoAnthony: Tradition reincarnation? No comment? #elephantInTheRoom".

President Monaco has yet to respond.

The real test, according to Tufts Athletic Director Bill Gehling, is whether or not Jumbo would have approved of the name change. "Sure, they're taking the 'Jumbo' out of 'JumboCash'," he said, "But Jumbo likes Peanuts. Everybody knows that. That's why he asked us to keep his remains in a peanut butter jar for all these years. In a lot of ways, it's what the big guy would have wanted."

iSIS is now rumored to be considering a re-branding of its own, in part to avoid being confused with the Egyptian god and the recent terrorist network, but mostly so that new students don't continue to believe the rumors of the system as a poorly-designed out-of-touch technology with good intentions but terrible practical functionality for everyday life. The name currently under consideration is IvoryTower.

Peanuts™ is expected to roll out by this fall, or, like the Green Line Tufts stop, April 1, 2020.

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