Post-"Potter" (Comic Included)

After the eighth and final installment of the "Harry Potter" movie franchise hit theaters earlier this month, the cast members mustered the strength to claw their way out of their Hollywood trailers and blink at the bright light of day. "The real world?" they gasped, "But how are we supposed to survive...without magic?!"

How many times were we told the world was ending this year? How many times has the world actually ended this year?

As it turns out, Harry and friends don't really have anything to do with themselves anymore. Their Hogwarts education has expired (they really ought to get the last few years refunded; the school was a mess), the Dark Lord was stopped from taking over the world, and people have finally stopped making fun of that scar on the poor boy's head. So what are they going to do for the rest of their lives?

That, of course, is the problem with killing off your antagonist. Seriously, Rowling? He defeats Voldemort? He couldn't just banish him? Or in the famous words of the late house elf, Dobby, "only...maim or seriously injure"? (Aside: Dobby is the best character in the series. The fact that Hermione's attempts to free the Hogwarts house elves were cut from the film series is perhaps the gravest mistake made. The entire house elf plot arc was scrapped. Terrible.) No, Harry had to actually destroy the Dark Lord. Splendid. Well now everyone's bored as hell.

As it turns out, of course, Voldemort isn't really dead. I mean, everyone thought he was out of the game the last time (see: the night Harry got his scar), but then he returned. And return again he will. In the meantime, though, Potter and pals are going to attempt to act like real boys and girls. Only, they're not muggles...they know too much! Let's see how that goes for them:

Click image to view "Life After Hogwarts," a comic.

Voldemort isn't reliving a lost childhood. He just really likes that game. (You should see him play Assassin).

Well, there you have it. Doomed to utter boredom. No more school, no more battles, and no more childhood movie careers for the young witches and wizards.

Hold it! Stop the presses! Scrap the post! Take it back, rescind it, publish a correction! There's still hope - quoth the Rowling, Pottermore!